turbobear

I’ve pretty much been off ig for the past 3 months, with the exception of checking messages, events and mutual aid posts. however it gradually crept back into my life after a series of minor stressors led me to old coping strategies of using it to manage a sense of overstimulation and overwhelm. prior to that i had been very intentional with its use, checking occasionally for messages, mutual aid posts and events. i felt largely unaffected from the pull of its dissociating algorithmic vortexes, mostly through conditioning myself to exit the app whenever reels would start playing. however with the anticipated release of this website, i entertained the idea of re-engaging with the public interfacing features, with vague thoughts of posting about it on my story. i was caught off guard at a particularly vulnerable moment spanning five minutes of use earlier this morning, as described in detail below:

* 10.54am: i am completely mesmerised by the book i am reading by elif shafak, and seek to understand her as a person outside the spellbinding stories she draws me into. i search her account on instagram and find a reel pinned on her feed, which I watch. this reel is an interview segment where she reflects on the distinction of information, knowledge and wisdom, and how the role of social media gives us access to information, but how the pace at which it is presented undermines our ability to retain it as knowledge, let alone embody it as wisdom. we think we know everything, but there’s a difference between knowing something on a cognitive level, completely removed from personal context and being able to recite it as a fact in a vacuum, compared to embodying that information through repeated application to your personal life until it becomes deeply incorporated into your perception of the world, influencing the way you see and think about things. it takes time, a lot of time, and absence of information excess, in order to truly know something. you must develop a personal relationship with information in order for it to mean anything to you, for it to be able to be applied to your life and therefore embedded into the stories you share. it also becomes a lot easier for people to understand, because if there’s limited context then that acts as a barrier for access. i feel grateful to now understand some kind of framework for understanding these distinctions, which i had previously only felt and not been able to express.

* 10.55am: i return to the home feed and see a post by alice sparkly kat. by association i recall their most newsletter where they share their plan to include a zine on ‘the anatomy of a pisces rising’ in next month’s issue. i myself am a pisces rising, and feel that this placement carries a large responsibility in why i am the way that i am, eliciting a mixture of excitement and existential anguish. i am feeling particularly hasty this morning, and perhaps a little attention seeking as well. i decide to post a story on my instagram for the first time in three or so months, putting a call out to any other pisces risings that may resonate with the pained sentiment that i expressed above. 

* 10.56am: as is the way with my behavioural pattern of posting to instagram, publishing one story often tumbles into another, where i turn my gaze onto myself from the perspective of my followers. ‘what has liv been up to of late?’ i post the most recent photo in my reel, a picture of heavy cloud coverage in the north eastern quadrant of the sky, taken the previous night, with NO eclipse in sight. 
* 10.57am: it then occurs to me my plans of imminently publishing my upcoming blog website. i take a screenshot of the home page and upload it as my third and final story for the day, with an accompanying caption to inform viewers of my future plans. 
* 10.58am: it is upon publishing this that i start to notice an immediate sense of panic in my throat and chest. old thought obsessions for external validation and instant gratification keep me rechecking the stories for a bit, and very quickly after i experience a flurry of commentary from my old friends (self-doubt, perfectionism, shame, imposter syndrome) who arrive whenever i try to express myself publicly: “WHY ARE YOU HERE. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY. THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE OF VALUE TO ANYONE? WHAT KIND OF PERFORMATIVE STUNT ARE YOU PLAYING? ARE YOU EVEN BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT? JUST GIVE UP”

* 10.59am: the voices are roaring and i feel completely defeated, with my thumb automatically motioning into the reels feed. the distress i was starting to experience from this tired inner dialogue is immediately overtaken by the loud commentary of an influencer and panning video shots changing every microsecond. at this point i try and exit the app, not without another bombardment of some reel i never actually remembered assaulting my tired brain. i put my phone down, feeling stunned, disoriented and destabilised. 

***
It takes me the next couple of hours to unpack and recover from the abrasive vortex my nervous system just travelled through. In the aftermath of posting the story, I felt a resounding sentiment of frustration and avoidance towards instagram, in conjunction with a high degree of skepticism and judgment and loathing as to the integrity of why I am wanting to pursue this project. These feelings left me with fleeting desires to either log off from the app or abandon the project altogether. But there was a part of me that knew this may be another kind of self-sabotaging trauma response, and so I took time to understand why it was that I wanted to pursue this project in the first place. 

I reflected on the courage I had slowly been building to conceptualise and follow through with this project, feeling proud of myself for the positive strides I had been making in to overcome hindering patterns of self-doubt. I remembered that beyond anything, to create this website and share my experiences was simply an exercise of learning how I can show up for myself, learning to let myself be witnessed by others, no matter how imperfect or messy or politically problematic my ideas may be, and being able to return to self-compassion and self-acceptance for however that may be expressed. Of course a part of it is curiosity of how I may be received or responded to by others, but to focus on this becomes a big slippery slope that clouds my attempts in maintaining authenticity.

I think many of us feel very complicated by our relationships to instagram, and how it skews our ideas of how to attain happiness, belonging, or connection. What starts as a dopamine hit to lift our day often ends up as a two-hour dissociative scroll leaving us feeling empty and numb. What begins as a curiosity to connect with others evolves into an obsession with our self-image and anxiety for not being able to afford a product we wouldn’t have otherwise cared about. Not to mention the heavy censorship and suppression of content/ creators attempting to organise against oppression and build community, or the way its algorithms silo us into increasing intolerance of difference. 

But in saying that, I can recall many experiences of Instagram that have brought me closer to others and myself, without the excess of dysregulation that it causes to my nervous system. I don’t think that logging off is going to bring me the peace within myself I am seeking, because it’s clear that the issue relates to something deeper that the way I use it. Whatever I’m experiencing in life is just a mirror in allowing me to understand how I can be accountable to myself. Whether it be using Instagram, continuing this project or anything else, they are just vessels for me to practise showing up to myself. So in all of this, I have decided I want to keep going with this project for now. And if it gets too much and I notice that my efforts to show up are not coming from an authentic place, then I’m going to slow down and pause. Whether or not I continue will be decided in the future!

tags: #autism #haste

I BELIEVE THAT HEALING HAPPENS IN COMMUNITY, AND IT HAPPENS RELATIONALLY. OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE VERY HIGH PRESSURES IN MODERN DAY SOCIETY TO BE ABLE TO EXIST AND FEEL A SENSE OF MEANING. AND WITH A SENSE OF THE WORLD IMMINENTLY ABOUT TO IMPLODE ON ITSELF BOTH GEOPOLITICALLY AND DIGITALLY, IT IS EASY TO BE CONSUMED BY PARALYSIS AND DESPAIR, LETTING OUR EXASPERATION BE TAKEN OUT ON EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING EACH OTHER AS THEY ARE AND WORKING FROM THERE. WHEN WE ARE BEING EXPOSED TO SO MUCH INFORMATION IT CAN BE REALLY HARD TO LISTEN TO WHAT OUR BODIES ARE TRYING TO TELL US,  WHAT OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM IS TRYING TO TELL US, WHAT OUR SOUL IS TRYING TO DIRECT US TOWARDS, AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO MOVE FORWARD. IN FACT MORE THAN EVER I BELIEVE WE ARE HAVING A HARD TIME TRUSTING OURSELVES, AND AS A RESULT TRUSTING EACH OTHER. WE LIVE IN AN AGE WHERE ACCESS TO INFORMATION AND THEREFORE EDUCATING OURSELVES IS MORE ACCESSIBLE THAN EVER. HOWEVER THIS ACCESS HAS TIPPED INTO EXCESS, AND WE ARE LOSING SIGHT OF THE DEEP WORK AND DEEP ATTENTION NEEDED TO TRANSFORM INFORMATION INTO KNOWLEDGE INTO WISDOM AND SUBSEQUENTLY, MEANINGFUL CHANGE.  

AND SO I GUESS MY AIM OF BEING HERE IS TO MODEL AN EXPERIMENTAL VERSION OF WHAT IT MEANS TO TRY AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF, TRY AND TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY; AND WHAT CHANGES MUST OCCUR IF YOU ARE REALLY INVESTED IN THE LONG-TERM WELLBEING OF YOURSELF, WHICH IS HONESTLY AND IRREVOCABLY TO SPEAK OF THE LONG-TERM WELLBEING OF THE COMMUNITY, AND THE EARTH. YOU THINK OF YOURSELF AS ONLY BEING THIS BODY IN THIS LIFETIME, BUT DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE FUTURE UNBORN VERSIONS OF YOURSELF OR THOSE DEAREST TO YOU IN GENERATIONS TO COME. IN ORDER TO VISION THE CHANGE WE ARE TRULY SEEKING, WE MUST LEARN TO RECOGNISE THE WAY TRAUMA IMPACTS OUR INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS, THE WAYS IN WHICH OUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS MAY PUSH OURSELVES AWAY FROM CONNECTION, INSTEAD OF BRINGING US CLOSER. CONFLICT ISN’T BAD, NOTHING INHERENTLY IS. IT’S JUST A WINDOW TO UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENT WAYS IN WHICH OUR ENVIRONMENTS AND PREDISPOSITIONS HAVE SHAPED US. CAN YOU BLAME A PERSON FOR THEIR ACTIONS IF THEY ARE COMING FROM A COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS OR IGNORANT PLACE? THAT’S ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MAKES ME SO GRATEFUL TO BE QUEER, OR TO HAVE EXPERIENCED INTENSE LONELINESS. BECAUSE IT MADE ME QUESTION MYSELF, MY CIRCUMSTANCES, MY REALITY, AND IGNITED A DEEP PASSION TO FIND CHANGE. I HAVE QUESTIONED MYSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO THE POINT WHERE I NO LONGER HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHO I AM OR WHO I WILL EVER BECOME. I AM CONSTANTLY TRYING TO BE REAL WITH MYSELF AS TO WHETHER MY ACTIONS ARE COMING FROM A PLACE THAT IS ALIGNED TO MY VALUES, A PLACE THAT IS AUTHENTIC, A PLACE THAT I CAN REALLY TRUST AND FEEL CONFIDENT IN ACTING FROM. AND HOW DO YOU DO THAT? YOU DO IT THROUGH PRESENCE. YOU DO IT THROUGH RECOGNISING PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOUR AND DISRUPTING THEM. YOU DO IT THROUGH AWARENESS, REFLECTION, CONTEMPLATION AND ACTION. 

PALESTINIAN PSYCHIATRIST DR SAMAR JABR TALKS ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT GATEKEEPING ACCESS TO HEALING, NOT KEEPING THE ROLE OF A HEALER TO PROFESSIONALS, BEHIND PAYWALLS, BEHIND PRIVILEGE OF ACCESS TO RESOURCES OR COMMUNITY OR EDUCATION. HEALING SHOULD HAPPEN IN COMMUNITY AND ANYONE CAN BE A HEALER IF THEY HAVE STARTED THE INTERNAL WORK TO HEAL THEMSELF. WHEN YOU LOOK WITHIN YOU BECOME MORE COGNISANT OF THE WAY CONSEQUENCES ARE SHAPED BY YOUR ACTIONS. AND IT IS OUR ACTIONS THAT LEAVE THE BIGGEST IMPRINT ON OTHERS. WE MUST NOT LEAVE HEALING TO SO-CALLED EXPERTS, WHO DO NOT HAVE LIVED EXPERIENCE OF WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE LIVE IN OUR OWN SHOES. WE ARE THE TRUE EXPERTS OF OUR OWN LIVES, AND IT ULTIMATELY JUST COMES DOWN TO HOW WELL WE CAN ACCESS THAT UNDERSTANDING, HOW MUCH WE CAN BUILD TRUST IN OURSELVES, AND THEN HOW MUCH WE ARE WILLING TO PUT IN TO BRIDGE THE GAP TOWARDS CHANGE. EMPOWER YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN CREATE THE CHANGE YOU ARE SEEKING IN YOUR LIFE, IN THIS LIFE, IN THIS WORLD. AND DO NOT DESPAIR THAT CHANGE DOESN’T COME AS QUICKLY AS YOU WANT IT TO. IT WILL COME WHEN YOUR BODY IS READY. IT WILL COME WHEN YOUR BODY TRUSTS THAT IT’S READY TO CHANGE. THE BODY NEVER LIES, WHICH MEANS YOU MUST COME TO ACCEPT WHATEVER IT IS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE TO YOU. IT IS THROUGH THAT THAT YOU CAN LEARN TO ACT FROM A PLACE OF CONVICTION WITHOUT LOOKING BACK. LEARNING TO LISTEN TO YOUR BODY MEANS LESS DISSOCIATION ON SCREENS, LESS AUTOPILOT ROUTINE, LESS PROCESSED FOOD, MORE SILENCE, MORE ATTENTION TO EVERY BREATH, MORE GROUNDING IN NATURE, MORE NOURISHING FOOD. EVERY MOMENT YOU ARE EXISTING IN THIS LIFE. EVERY MOMENT UNTIL YOU DON’T LOOK BACK. 

tags: #thirdspace

today i wanted to do some writing for a blog post but first i wanted to get through my morning routine. it is now 2 o’clock in the afternoon and i still haven’t started my morning routine. ordinarily, my morning routine is as follows:
* sip 500ml warm water with my vitamins, (vitamin c, fish oil, and also an antihistamine, because i am a highly sensitive person)
* heat some milk on the stove and add 2-3 teaspoons of ghee; this is an ayurvedic remedy to help my predisposition towards constipation.
* refill my water bottle with warm water
* brush my teeth.
* breathing exercises (30mins),
* meditation (15mins)
* tarot card journaling (30-60mins)
* stretch stretching or yoga or gym or run or walk (time and motivation depending)

this can take about one and a half hours at best, usually more if i end up journaling or dilly dallying. typically i like to start this routine when it’s quiet, which means getting up around 6 or 6.30, but in an ideal world i would be getting up at 5. although that would require me to be more diligent about my bedtime routine which isn’t working out for me at the moment.

this routine is focused on a combination of grounding and debriefing with myself, allowing me to see how i’m feeling in response to the events of the days prior, clear my head if anything is lingering, and try to set intentions of how i want to feel and move through the day. it was developed in response to the turbulence of my year last year, where i was away from my primary living circumstances for about eight and a half months, spread across seven or eight different trips. to say the least,the movement and disorientation was exhausting, and towards the end of the year i was desprately craving to feel a sense of stability. initially i thought that could be obtained through external means, largely around the idea of finding a long-term partner to settle down with, however when this was unsuccessful in multiple attempts i eventually realised i needed to create a sense of stability from within.

i found the practises in this routine so anchoring towards the stability i was seeking. this is not to say that i am constantly stable, but the continued practice of observation (developed through conscious breathing & meditation) and self-reflection (through journalling) is helping me to gain awareness of howi can move beyond the conditioned habits and patterns that do not serve me. i decided to do tarot card journaling because I wanted to find ways to tune to myself in a deeper way. when I’m feeling anxious or ungrounded it’s easy for my mind to slip into more scarcity/ protective outlooks on life, which can limit me from seeing other possibilities beyond my conditioned patterns and habits of thought. tarot journalling helps to challenge that tendency and point me towards another way of reframing my current circumstances. the practice simply consists of finding silence in myself to set an intention of what i should be focusing on for the day. i then shuffle the cards and pick the one that energetically calls me. if i don’t have a good grasp of the card i refer to online sources for interpretations of how it may relate to me, then begin to journal all the thoughts that arise in response. 

tags: #autism #routine #noticing

yesterday i was lamenting to a mentor about not being able to wake up at 5am like I used to. this morning my eyes snap open at 3:50 in the morning with a kind of smugness and rigour so compelling that makes it irresistible to stay in bed any longer than 3:54. this kind of rigour appears to be increasingly rare these days, with most of us feeling burnt out and exhausted and apathetic and a bit on edge in response to the increasingly tenuous conditions that underpin the archetypal predisposition of a 2026 human existing in western society. i assume because of my sleep debt that I will be feeling tired, but presence quietens my mind and opens my heart to the abundance that exists around me. it’s only when it hits 6am that I find the need to crawl back into bed. my fitbit broke two weeks ago when the promise of a waterproof mode lied to me, and now i’m letting my body wake itself up when it wants to, back to rawdogging life I suppose. my presence in the absence of my sleep tracker makes me feel naked sometimes, but then i remember that i’m wearing clothes and also that there is always more than one way to see a situation. 

i’m walking down elizabeth street and leaning into the sensation of trapped warm air between my back and my backpack. it’s a nice reprieve from the overcompensated air-conditioning at the library i just left. i decide to venture towards new modalities of learning chinese by loitering near chinese people who are loitering outside chinese restaurants. this time its gong cha in the cbd. the estimated wait time for my matcha is four minutes and i patiently wait six minutes for it to arrive. in the surplus two minutes the chinese crew i’m eavesdropping on ask me in english if i’ve already ordered and I say yes. i take a step out the way and as i continue waiting for my matcha i whisper to myself the affirming reminder that there is more than one way to be chinese, there is always more than one way to see. warm can be hot and no sugar can still be sugary. warm can actually be burning hot until i put my phone in my pocket to adjust my grip on the cup and add a protective barrier of clothing to make it slightly more bearable to hold. 

i want to stay but I want to go. i want to gym but i need to rest, because my body is tired and i am in luteal phase. luteal phase has kicked my ass once again and yet i find myself in a sadistic state of hope to ultimately reach a state of mind where in the future i can welcome its impending arrival with an open heart and a warm hug. so i tell myself some more stories about the joys that luteal phase brings:

in luteal phase, i learn self compassion through its pain. i am learning to slow down because of its pain. i am learning to rest because of its pain. i am learning boundaries because of its pain. 
i love luteal phase. luteal phase is one of my greatest teachers, guides and/ or spiritual healers. 
i am so grateful to be in luteal phase for half of every month of my reproductive years. to look at it in another way, to relish in its bountiful possibilities from a different stance; i am so grateful to consider the prospect that I will be in luteal phase for approximately 1/6th of my entire life. 1 in 6 days over the span of my entire life, including the pre-conscious early childhood years before the age of seven, will be graced with the presence of luteal phase. 
i am so grateful to be embodying the wisdom that only experiences can bring, and luteal phase is a particularly intense experience that provides me with many opportunities to touch vulnerability, self-compassion, and my higher purpose every two weeks.


something so tragic about western society is its insistence on domination and individualism and duality which makes it very difficult appreciate uncomfortable inconveniences like luteal phase, to not to gaslight yourself into denying yourself of your authentic painful experience, and instead feeling pressured to define yourself through distinct categorical experiences. it is especially because of leaning into the consistent challenges that experiences like luteal phase brings, can learn to unlearn these limiting ways of being and choose greater purpose in my life.

tags: #third space #luteal phase

the start of this luteal phase was so encumbering!! i haven't felt the urge to punch something for a long time. most of my rage is suppressed but unfortunately contact with those most close and consistent to my heart can elicit its most unapologetic expression. how humbling to be riding a wave of accomplishment and self-satisfaction, effortlessly taking on obstacles and uncertainty without being swayed – only to crash out to the most brutally honest droves of luteal phase irritability. i become almost completely intolerant to change or resistance, and attempt to remedy my searing fury by desperate seed cycling of sesame seeds to every meal (within recommended daily portions). unfortunately collateral damage is inevitable for anyone i deem to have acted towards me in unjust ways. and a secondary viciousness superimposed on this vicious cycle of victimisation finds its way back to me through the subconscious activation of self-loathing and disgust, leaving me to wallow in a spiral of shame. 

last evening i was feeling exceptionally unmotivated to prepare food. i let myself be cared for by aunties at the pho shop down the road. i step outside into the golden hour of sun-drenched trees shimmering like a dessert mirage, with a show of raucous galahs shaking tree branches to the ground as they feed their bellies for their final meal of the day. i notice myself feeling oddly calm as auditory overstimulation clashes with visual tranquility for a perfect balance. or perhaps it is the embodied feeling of permission as each footstep brings me closer to the desire of my innate bodily cues. 

i arrive at the restaurant and am invited to sit by the last empty table by the window seat. the soft shadows of plant decor bounces against the cream wallpaper, creating an ambient invitation for me to sink into the chair and feel it support the weight of my tired body. my sympathetic nervous system clocks off for the day and gives space for my lungs to breathe 1% more. rest seems hard to come by these days, and as i slowly sip the warming chicken broth i find my hunger being satiated both physically and spiritually. with the spaciousness to fill into my body that i find a sense of ease returning to the presence of everything that surrounds me. how wonderful it is to reconnect with the joy of existence, the reckoning of mutual delight brought to other visitors in the restaurant as they too tuck into their own nourishing bowl.

the first step to change is to notice, and as i've been noticing my patterns for some months now, i'm slowly starting to change the unconscious reactions that form the shape of my vulnerable side. the damage feels less eternal, its shadow merging into its own light to guide me back towards hope. it's not about  expression of rage, more that it's about the choice i make to respond differently for next time, and that thought building more and more momentum until it eventually replaces the action with a more intentional approach. there's no point resisting a reality no matter how dark it may be. i'm just grateful that i can see it now, and collaborate on a way forward together for the future. and i think that's exactly the point. 

tags: #third space #luteal phase

here i am again it’s ground hog day which is to say luteal phase which is to say i can’t believe 2/3 of the month are feeling a cycle of fatigue, fragility, frustration, and “I’M ABOUT TO BURST INTO A TORNADO OF RAGE!!!” on rotation. i find it funny how just a few days ago i thought i had a sense of clarity and satisfaction with how i was approaching things, i could handle curveballs with grace, which is to say that i thought i was feeling grounded and in control. but two days later here i am feeling like i’m on the brink of tipping over a cliff. i am trying to remind myself that everything is exactly as it needs to be and i don’t need to worry. i am trying to trust this process and i’m trying to take deep breaths but it’s hard when all you feel like doing is screaming or punching something because you are feeling so helplessly out of control at everything that life is throwing you. oh to be humbled by this part of my cycle over and over again. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my sister said that luteal time is a time of grief and integration, the opportunity of a new beginning lost. i can’t deny that the intensity and depth with which my scorpio moon at this time of the month responds. but i guess with the pace of the world we are currently experiencing, and the intensity with which tensions are rising, it makes sense that grief feels like a bottomless well, and the only way to start to fill it is to slow down and take a deep dive in. i guess the flip side of this extremely hypersensitive and vulnerable and at times completely anguishing state, is that i am being brought into honest reckonings of my limitations, seeing the true clarity of the times which is the permeabilty of my porous boundaries and the cries for protection my younger self calls.and if i am committed to aligning myself towards touching the truth of whatever exists beneath all of the experiences and influences flinging themselves onto my ageing body over all of these years, then maybe it is possible to catch the threads of hope sailing in these winds of despair. the past controls the future but the present controls the past. if i am present then i can control my past, or at the very least the narrative of the past that defines my perceptual reality. i cradle my hand over my heart and start to feel my body soften again.

tags: #noticing #astrology #luteal phase

i am good at noticing some things, and not so good at noticing other things. I was feeling overwhelmed but then I remembered that overwhelm is just one of the expressions of abundance. I am thinking a lot about multiple truths and the way that I have a choice in how I perceive things around me, perceive my existence, believe the way that others perceive me.  i can be consumed by self-doubt WHILE ALSO reminding myself that presence is how i change the script. planting seeds of hope and embodying the practise of deepened awareness, i hear with incrementally increased frequency that i believe i can do anything i put my mind to, i believe i can do anything i put my mind to, i believe anything i can put my mind to. there’s always more than one way to see a situation, it’s about bringing myself back to the present and breaking the habit of my perception. how do i bring myself back? by NOTICING my breath, noticing what’s arising in my body, and remembering that i can change the script. 

i want to get better at slowing down. i’m starting to notice that when i’m chewing fast, talking fast, typing fast, writing fast – all of these things are symptoms of my racing mind, rushing to get things done. it’s almost like i’ve equated eating as a waste of time, unproductive. but since when was maximising output the marker of maximising fulfilment or success? when i’m trying to keep track of so many different things i just stress myself out. keeping track of things is part of the problem, but not the problem in itself. i’m trying really hard to find the the balance of keeping myself accountable without an anxiety provoking sense of self-surveillance. i wonder what life was like before the internet, the way people would think about things so deeply and create such wonderful rich prose-poetry and instigate new ideas and just witness the world, just be, just be.

how do i exist in this world in the most optimal and discerning way, without overloading myself? but what does it even mean to overload ones self? I feel tired or overwhelmed, and I have internalised these sensations as negative. Does tiredness mean I need to rest, or is it just a sign that I am trying to grow? That I’m trying to broaden and expand my resilience? I guess the best way to test this would be in the absence of relying on dexamphetamine or other stimulants. To be able to push through and learn things and address the lack of motivation in my mind when I am feeling like I want to give up. I can practise building resilience and building capacity in lots of different ways. And I guess that comes back to holding myself accountable. Which really boils back down to the things I am telling myself. 


I am healing, and I will be able to comfortably run 2.5km by the end of the month. I am able to go for runs effortlessly, in the morning or in the evening. It only takes about 20 minutes of my day. 

I am able to finish adrienne maree brown’s book in the next two-three days. I will comfortably be able to read 20 pages in the next two hours. 

I do not need to feel stressed about the gardener’s arrival. They will arrive when they arrive, and I have prepared some questions for them and can seek guidance when the time is appropriate. 

I will easily be able to complete tonight’s dinner plans for my friend, and maintain an awareness of my breath. I don’t need to overthink the situation. I can just get it done. 

I am not stagnant in my progress with my back. I just need to keep moving and strengthening it. And when I am at the gym, I just have to try increasing bit by bit. 

I can easily find clarity when I need to. I just need to slow down, and do less. 

I don't need to feel overwhelmed by the number of people in my life. All I have to do is feel less guilty about not seeing them or responding to them. People who really care about me will make as much space as they need for me to arrive in their life when I can. People do not like to know that I feel obligated to talk to them.