turbobear

here i am again it’s ground hog day which is to say luteal phase which is to say i can’t believe 2/3 of the month are feeling a cycle of fatigue, fragility, frustration, and “I’M ABOUT TO BURST INTO A TORNADO OF RAGE!!!” on rotation. i find it funny how just a few days ago i thought i had a sense of clarity and satisfaction with how i was approaching things, i could handle curveballs with grace, which is to say that i thought i was feeling grounded and in control. but two days later here i am feeling like i’m on the brink of tipping over a cliff. i am trying to remind myself that everything is exactly as it needs to be and i don’t need to worry. i am trying to trust this process and i’m trying to take deep breaths but it’s hard when all you feel like doing is screaming or punching something because you are feeling so helplessly out of control at everything that life is throwing you. oh to be humbled by this part of my cycle over and over again. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my sister said that luteal time is a time of grief and integration, the opportunity of a new beginning lost. i can’t deny that the intensity and depth with which my scorpio moon at this time of the month responds. but i guess with the pace of the world we are currently experiencing, and the intensity with which tensions are rising, it makes sense that grief feels like a bottomless well, and the only way to start to fill it is to slow down and take a deep dive in. i guess the flip side of this extremely hypersensitive and vulnerable and at times completely anguishing state, is that i am being brought into honest reckonings of my limitations, seeing the true clarity of the times which is the permeabilty of my porous boundaries and the cries for protection my younger self calls.and if i am committed to aligning myself towards touching the truth of whatever exists beneath all of the experiences and influences flinging themselves onto my ageing body over all of these years, then maybe it is possible to catch the threads of hope sailing in these winds of despair. the past controls the future but the present controls the past. if i am present then i can control my past, or at the very least the narrative of the past that defines my perceptual reality. i cradle my hand over my heart and start to feel my body soften again.

tags: #noticing #astrology #luteal phase

i am good at noticing some things, and not so good at noticing other things. I was feeling overwhelmed but then I remembered that overwhelm is just one of the expressions of abundance. I am thinking a lot about multiple truths and the way that I have a choice in how I perceive things around me, perceive my existence, believe the way that others perceive me.  i can be consumed by self-doubt WHILE ALSO reminding myself that presence is how i change the script. planting seeds of hope and embodying the practise of deepened awareness, i hear with incrementally increased frequency that i believe i can do anything i put my mind to, i believe i can do anything i put my mind to, i believe anything i can put my mind to. there’s always more than one way to see a situation, it’s about bringing myself back to the present and breaking the habit of my perception. how do i bring myself back? by NOTICING my breath, noticing what’s arising in my body, and remembering that i can change the script. 

i want to get better at slowing down. i’m starting to notice that when i’m chewing fast, talking fast, typing fast, writing fast – all of these things are symptoms of my racing mind, rushing to get things done. it’s almost like i’ve equated eating as a waste of time, unproductive. but since when was maximising output the marker of maximising fulfilment or success? when i’m trying to keep track of so many different things i just stress myself out. keeping track of things is part of the problem, but not the problem in itself. i’m trying really hard to find the the balance of keeping myself accountable without an anxiety provoking sense of self-surveillance. i wonder what life was like before the internet, the way people would think about things so deeply and create such wonderful rich prose-poetry and instigate new ideas and just witness the world, just be, just be.

how do i exist in this world in the most optimal and discerning way, without overloading myself? but what does it even mean to overload ones self? I feel tired or overwhelmed, and I have internalised these sensations as negative. Does tiredness mean I need to rest, or is it just a sign that I am trying to grow? That I’m trying to broaden and expand my resilience? I guess the best way to test this would be in the absence of relying on dexamphetamine or other stimulants. To be able to push through and learn things and address the lack of motivation in my mind when I am feeling like I want to give up. I can practise building resilience and building capacity in lots of different ways. And I guess that comes back to holding myself accountable. Which really boils back down to the things I am telling myself. 


I am healing, and I will be able to comfortably run 2.5km by the end of the month. I am able to go for runs effortlessly, in the morning or in the evening. It only takes about 20 minutes of my day. 

I am able to finish adrienne maree brown’s book in the next two-three days. I will comfortably be able to read 20 pages in the next two hours. 

I do not need to feel stressed about the gardener’s arrival. They will arrive when they arrive, and I have prepared some questions for them and can seek guidance when the time is appropriate. 

I will easily be able to complete tonight’s dinner plans for my friend, and maintain an awareness of my breath. I don’t need to overthink the situation. I can just get it done. 

I am not stagnant in my progress with my back. I just need to keep moving and strengthening it. And when I am at the gym, I just have to try increasing bit by bit. 

I can easily find clarity when I need to. I just need to slow down, and do less. 

I don't need to feel overwhelmed by the number of people in my life. All I have to do is feel less guilty about not seeing them or responding to them. People who really care about me will make as much space as they need for me to arrive in their life when I can. People do not like to know that I feel obligated to talk to them.