i’m walking down elizabeth street and leaning into the sensation of trapped warm air between my back and my backpack. it’s a nice reprieve from the overcompensated air-conditioning at the library i just left. i decide to venture towards new modalities of learning chinese by loitering near chinese people who are loitering outside chinese restaurants. this time its gong cha in the cbd. the estimated wait time for my matcha is four minutes and i patiently wait six minutes for it to arrive. in the surplus two minutes the chinese crew i’m eavesdropping on ask me in english if i’ve already ordered and I say yes. i take a step out the way and as i continue waiting for my matcha i whisper to myself the affirming reminder that there is more than one way to be chinese, there is always more than one way to see. warm can be hot and no sugar can still be sugary. warm can actually be burning hot until i put my phone in my pocket to adjust my grip on the cup and add a protective barrier of clothing to make it slightly more bearable to hold.
i want to stay but I want to go. i want to gym but i need to rest, because my body is tired and i am in luteal phase. luteal phase has kicked my ass once again and yet i find myself in a sadistic state of hope to ultimately reach a state of mind where in the future i can welcome its impending arrival with an open heart and a warm hug. so i tell myself some more stories about the joys that luteal phase brings:
in luteal phase, i learn self compassion through its pain. i am learning to slow down because of its pain. i am learning to rest because of its pain. i am learning boundaries because of its pain.
i love luteal phase. luteal phase is one of my greatest teachers, guides and/ or spiritual healers.
i am so grateful to be in luteal phase for half of every month of my reproductive years. to look at it in another way, to relish in its bountiful possibilities from a different stance; i am so grateful to consider the prospect that I will be in luteal phase for approximately 1/6th of my entire life. 1 in 6 days over the span of my entire life, including the pre-conscious early childhood years before the age of seven, will be graced with the presence of luteal phase.
i am so grateful to be embodying the wisdom that only experiences can bring, and luteal phase is a particularly intense experience that provides me with many opportunities to touch vulnerability, self-compassion, and my higher purpose every two weeks.
something so tragic about western society is its insistence on domination and individualism and duality which makes it very difficult appreciate uncomfortable inconveniences like luteal phase, to not to gaslight yourself into denying yourself of your authentic painful experience, and instead feeling pressured to define yourself through distinct categorical experiences. it is especially because of leaning into the consistent challenges that experiences like luteal phase brings, can learn to unlearn these limiting ways of being and choose greater purpose in my life.