turbobear

today is thursday. today is thursday!! it’s a new moon (initiation, beginnings) in leo (radiance, integrity, courage). my daily tarot card was the vii of wands, meaning i’m gonna have to stand up for myself today apparently. me vs. someone else or me vs. me?? i'm not aware of any potential or active relational conflict i'm experiencing with others at the moment so i guess this is just a pep talk to myself. so i’m interpreting today to be about creating from the heart, doing it without backing down, and remembering to give myself credit for how far i've come. i kind of forgot about my blog for a bit. the days of these last few months have moved too quickly for me to think i had processed anything meaningful to share. my period is also five days late, which i’m wondering could be an internal expression reflecting the recent conditions of my external world. in mentioning my period i think about how some people think my overshares are a little disgusting, whereas others find it refreshing. but in the spirit of today’s card, and the spirit of authenticity, i'm going to just keep showing up in the way that feels right for me, because, as i'm being affirmed more and more inside and out: my presence alone is enough – my presence to others, my presence to the present moment. it's everything i am and everything that i have - all my parts - disgusting and refreshing at the same time!!

ok back to the overshares. omfg i just ate a mandarin. it’s skin peeled back like petals of a flower, maintaining appropriate integrity to the degree of tension i exerted. but this ease changed when it came to the segment breakdown. as i pulled the fruit in half, i saw that the central edges of its pieces were tightly bound together by a thick, crystalline, sappy fibrous pith. hopeful, i tried peeling an individual segment away. its skin immediately tore apart, squeezing juice all over my hands and extra large yellow t-shirt. i was slightly annoyed at this occurrence, especially as i was at my computer in a public library about to start writing and the sticky juicy state of my hands now meant i was going to have to shift my bearings in order to finish what i started. but with my daily astro-taroscope urging me not to back down, i refused to be deterred. i calmly got up from the desk and walked over to the nearest bin. with the conviction of precision, i tore the clingy pith away. it was a mostly clean break, with the little excess juice safely dripping into the bin bag below. i gobbled the remaining pieces with pure delight before washing my sticky hands in the bathroom and returning to my chair to write this piece.

sarah faith gottesdeiner, the host of my favourite podcast Moonbeaming (and one of the most influential people to have transformed my life this year!!) advises that the theme for 2026 is alchemy. this theme has formed the undercurrent of how i perceive and receive experiences that have happened to me so far, and has offered me continuous strength in the face of adversity, overwhelm and uncertainty. at some point in the last few months i decided that my ultimate goal in this lifetime was to be able to attain continuous state of stillness and calmness, irrespective of what happens to me. this does not mean that i am shutting myself off from emotions completely, or avoiding derailing situations as much as possible. rather, it means (for me) to be able to meet every interaction, encounter or circumstance - even the most chaotic ones - with acceptance, compassion, trust, discernment and presence; and from there, choose the best course of action. this is instead of letting the impulse of my emotional state, or preconditioned automated habits informing my subsequent action. yesterday my friend described a sensuous night-time shower ritual to try: light four candles, turn on the shower and wait a minute for it to warm, hold some branches of eucalyptus under the steaming water to activate their aroma, step inside, close your eyes, peel a slightly-chilled orange and eat it as you're showering. the citrus evaporates with the eucalyptus and steam, bringing a multi-faceted calm to your nervous system, and the stickiness of the juice is simply washed away by the flowing water. 

what. the. hell! 

and so to give alchemy to that single remaining clingy mandarin in my fruit bowl: perhaps i will eat it as i try this shower ritual tonight. 

***

tags: #thirdspace #noticing