last evening i was feeling exceptionally unmotivated to prepare food. i let myself be cared for by aunties at the pho shop down the road. i step outside into the golden hour of sun-drenched trees shimmering like a dessert mirage, with a show of raucous galahs shaking tree branches to the ground as they feed their bellies for their final meal of the day. i notice myself feeling oddly calm as auditory overstimulation clashes with visual tranquility for a perfect balance. or perhaps it is the embodied feeling of permission as each footstep brings me closer to the desire of my innate bodily cues.
i arrive at the restaurant and am invited to sit by the last empty table by the window seat. the soft shadows of plant decor bounces against the cream wallpaper, creating an ambient invitation for me to sink into the chair and feel it support the weight of my tired body. my sympathetic nervous system clocks off for the day and gives space for my lungs to breathe 1% more. rest seems hard to come by these days, and as i slowly sip the warming chicken broth i find my hunger being satiated both physically and spiritually. with the spaciousness to fill into my body that i find a sense of ease returning to the presence of everything that surrounds me. how wonderful it is to reconnect with the joy of existence, the reckoning of mutual delight brought to other visitors in the restaurant as they too tuck into their own nourishing bowl.
the first step to change is to notice, and as i've been noticing my patterns for some months now, i'm slowly starting to change the unconscious reactions that form the shape of my vulnerable side. the damage feels less eternal, its shadow merging into its own light to guide me back towards hope. it's not about expression of rage, more that it's about the choice i make to respond differently for next time, and that thought building more and more momentum until it eventually replaces the action with a more intentional approach. there's no point resisting a reality no matter how dark it may be. i'm just grateful that i can see it now, and collaborate on a way forward together for the future. and i think that's exactly the point.