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16.03.26 - noticing
i talk about noticing a lot in this blog and this time i am noticing i can often be so darn hasty. which might come as a surprise to people who don’t know me very well. but i was thinking that even people that do know me well they may not be acquainted with the farcical storm that can sometimes be brooding within. last night i was writing a birthday card for one of my closest friends and i realised i have no idea what their favourite colour is or if they like polka dots, because unbeknownst to me at the time the inner cover of the card had polka dots and if i had been aware of this prior to purchasing it may have impacted whether i proceeded with the transaction. it doesn’t matter now though and don’t think i’m ruminating on this because i make a point of mentioning it. even though intrusive guilt may have had me feeling like a bad friend because i didn’t know if they would resonate with the polka dots, the reality is that we are extremely multifaceted individuals, full of unknowns and contradictions, and most of us don’t even know ourselves properly so how can we expect others to? ????
autism gives my brain an extremely analytical predisposition, almost to the neurochemical level. i tend not to understand or remember things if they have no apparent association or connection to the existing body of knowledge i have accumulated over time. as a consequence, friends have laughed at me for how slow i can be to pick things up, because i simply do not understand the sequence of neural firing that leads to outward embodied action. it’s ok because i laugh too (although between you and me these experiences have probably contributed to my fear of trying new things in front of others), and i’m trying not to take these reaction too personally. in actual fact people often find it a relief to know that i do have some flaws. which brings me back to the hastiness. my hastiness pervades a large spectrum of my daily patterns of thought and behaviour, whether it be clanging around in the kitchen at 6am, erratic and unnecessary lane changes just before a red light, or an unsuccessful effort to communicate an idea because my excitability haves me starting multiple new sentences before finishing the first.
sometimes when i’m going to the gym, and by sometimes i mean almost always, i have a compulsive urge to get changed into my gym clothes in public space, which is anywhere but the change room. the action is driven by an ill-conceived belief that it will be more efficient and convenient for me to do it this way. at times this has meant changing under the fullness of a midday sun, parked on the street car boot open nearly clipped by passing cars because my lack of spatial awareness has me standing in the middle of the road, or else in plain view of the driver that pulls up behind me. i am almost flashing myself because of the awkward transition of switching from tight fitting clothes to loose fitting clothes, and the hastiness with which i overlook whether the garment is positioned correctly before i pull it under my clothes leaving me to untangle myself. it is definitely not for the attention because there’s nothing to see. it’s just pure haste and miscalculated action. i usually find myself frustrated and a little alarmed when i realise the incongruence of this behaviour in relation to conventional social etiquette. i don’t know if i unconsciously justify this hasty behaviour with the fact that i’m an aquarius, or if this specific pattern of behaviour goes completely unchecked in my self-reflective practice.
autism gives my brain an extremely analytical predisposition, almost to the neurochemical level. i tend not to understand or remember things if they have no apparent association or connection to the existing body of knowledge i have accumulated over time. as a consequence, friends have laughed at me for how slow i can be to pick things up, because i simply do not understand the sequence of neural firing that leads to outward embodied action. it’s ok because i laugh too (although between you and me these experiences have probably contributed to my fear of trying new things in front of others), and i’m trying not to take these reaction too personally. in actual fact people often find it a relief to know that i do have some flaws. which brings me back to the hastiness. my hastiness pervades a large spectrum of my daily patterns of thought and behaviour, whether it be clanging around in the kitchen at 6am, erratic and unnecessary lane changes just before a red light, or an unsuccessful effort to communicate an idea because my excitability haves me starting multiple new sentences before finishing the first.
sometimes when i’m going to the gym, and by sometimes i mean almost always, i have a compulsive urge to get changed into my gym clothes in public space, which is anywhere but the change room. the action is driven by an ill-conceived belief that it will be more efficient and convenient for me to do it this way. at times this has meant changing under the fullness of a midday sun, parked on the street car boot open nearly clipped by passing cars because my lack of spatial awareness has me standing in the middle of the road, or else in plain view of the driver that pulls up behind me. i am almost flashing myself because of the awkward transition of switching from tight fitting clothes to loose fitting clothes, and the hastiness with which i overlook whether the garment is positioned correctly before i pull it under my clothes leaving me to untangle myself. it is definitely not for the attention because there’s nothing to see. it’s just pure haste and miscalculated action. i usually find myself frustrated and a little alarmed when i realise the incongruence of this behaviour in relation to conventional social etiquette. i don’t know if i unconsciously justify this hasty behaviour with the fact that i’m an aquarius, or if this specific pattern of behaviour goes completely unchecked in my self-reflective practice.
sometimes i feel ashamed of my haste. but in this journey of self-love and self-acceptance, i am allowing this feeling of shame to guide me towards deeper understanding of why it exists in the first place. in all honesty i think hastiness emerges from the anguishingly detailed thought processes that my autistic brain engages. it feels excessive and draining to consider all possible options for every single decision i make through the day, no matter how big or small or consequential that decision may be. so the brain flips to the other end of the scales with pure unadulterated haste, because the middle ground does not exist. but now that i am bringing this pattern to the fore through writing, i am hopeful that i will broaden my noticing of haste in my daily actions, leading to more moderated and nuanced expressions until it translates to tangible shifts in behaviour, thereby bringing closer alignment and greater accuracy to people’s perception of me when they attribute me as being a highly thoughtful, easy-going and considered individual.
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