archive
07.04.26 - looking back, moving forward
day one of work at the new hospital wasn't too bad. i know it can get worse but it could have been better too. my colleague was surprised at how chill i was in relation to the unpredictable conditions of mess that we were grappling with post the extra-long weekend. but i just said to her that i'm tired of being neurotic and i'm trying to just focus on what's within my reach of control. it's a tuesday night and i'm feeling surprisingly buzzed, maybe it's something to do with the fact that for once in my life i've been mostly hitting my sleep targets or maybe it's just from the lager i've slowly been sipping. whenever i go to a new place my habitual self is inclined to nest at home, re-grounding myself into familiar comforts of routine and frugality in the imagined appraisal my parents would provide in the knowing i am not being reckless with my spending. but i'm trying to peel away from these habits so i can be more contextually open to the place that i will connect to for the next few weeks. i start to get curious about my surroundings and chase the crashing waves slowly crumbling sea cliffs against the distant fading sun. afterwards i find myself washed up in a sea of white faces at the local bistro, feeling not too bothered by the racial discrepancies of my geolocation given the unexpected nostalgia it brings to the last time i lived in a coastal town of a similar size. if anything surprisingly comforted to just observe, to just be.
a few days ago i damaged my ankle running, maybe a ligament strain or stress fracture. it was all taped up for a few days and i was hobbling around feeling anxious to stand, concerned i wasn't going to be able to make the 15-min walking commute to work from my accommodation. but today i've done over 10000 steps and it's small things like this that i want to let run laps in my head. the other day in my intuition studies course we were talking about past present and future versions of myself being besties in real time. if present me does something for future me then future me will be able to look back and thank past me for thinking ahead. i read a quote by george orwell saying a similar thing – "who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past". and it made me think of the special and very sporadic journal i've been keeping in a hand-bound book one of my long lost friends made me for my 21st birthday. my last entry was in June 2019, before my whole life completely transformed through the queering of my perception of existence, the first year i decided to break away from familial expectations and do something for me. it was pretty cringe to read back and reconnect with visceral recollections of my lost languishing loneliness, and the anticipatory readiness i felt to drop everything, including my very own body, for anyone who offered me any wavering amount of attention. but in these less resonant moments of my life, i was also able to trace a steadfast consistency in how i oriented to life with sincerity, curiosity, and gratitude which looking back has been with me no matter how trying the times have been. nowadays i feel a lot more comfortable in uncertainty and a lot more comfortable in myself, and it just feels nice to name that and anchor in it when things start to feel rocky again (today is day 2 luteal phase).
***
tags: #noticing #luteal phase
day one of work at the new hospital wasn't too bad. i know it can get worse but it could have been better too. my colleague was surprised at how chill i was in relation to the unpredictable conditions of mess that we were grappling with post the extra-long weekend. but i just said to her that i'm tired of being neurotic and i'm trying to just focus on what's within my reach of control. it's a tuesday night and i'm feeling surprisingly buzzed, maybe it's something to do with the fact that for once in my life i've been mostly hitting my sleep targets or maybe it's just from the lager i've slowly been sipping. whenever i go to a new place my habitual self is inclined to nest at home, re-grounding myself into familiar comforts of routine and frugality in the imagined appraisal my parents would provide in the knowing i am not being reckless with my spending. but i'm trying to peel away from these habits so i can be more contextually open to the place that i will connect to for the next few weeks. i start to get curious about my surroundings and chase the crashing waves slowly crumbling sea cliffs against the distant fading sun. afterwards i find myself washed up in a sea of white faces at the local bistro, feeling not too bothered by the racial discrepancies of my geolocation given the unexpected nostalgia it brings to the last time i lived in a coastal town of a similar size. if anything surprisingly comforted to just observe, to just be.
a few days ago i damaged my ankle running, maybe a ligament strain or stress fracture. it was all taped up for a few days and i was hobbling around feeling anxious to stand, concerned i wasn't going to be able to make the 15-min walking commute to work from my accommodation. but today i've done over 10000 steps and it's small things like this that i want to let run laps in my head. the other day in my intuition studies course we were talking about past present and future versions of myself being besties in real time. if present me does something for future me then future me will be able to look back and thank past me for thinking ahead. i read a quote by george orwell saying a similar thing – "who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past". and it made me think of the special and very sporadic journal i've been keeping in a hand-bound book one of my long lost friends made me for my 21st birthday. my last entry was in June 2019, before my whole life completely transformed through the queering of my perception of existence, the first year i decided to break away from familial expectations and do something for me. it was pretty cringe to read back and reconnect with visceral recollections of my lost languishing loneliness, and the anticipatory readiness i felt to drop everything, including my very own body, for anyone who offered me any wavering amount of attention. but in these less resonant moments of my life, i was also able to trace a steadfast consistency in how i oriented to life with sincerity, curiosity, and gratitude which looking back has been with me no matter how trying the times have been. nowadays i feel a lot more comfortable in uncertainty and a lot more comfortable in myself, and it just feels nice to name that and anchor in it when things start to feel rocky again (today is day 2 luteal phase).
***
tags: #noticing #luteal phase