turbobear

a couple months ago i had the realisation that i struggled with resting. could not hack it. can't nap during the day, can't do something without feeling like it's going somewhere or for someone else, over-exerting, over-performing, over-compensating, care too hard, care too much, simply cannot stop. maybe something about being the eldest daughter of asian parents, i got that dog in me and cannot let it go. sometimes it would be hard to wind down, switch off, the neuroses of my neurons churning circles in a closed loop never letting go and letting myself be. so i talked to my somatics coach about it, tried to poke below the surface and get to the core of it all. AHHHHHH. the denial of rest because my environmental upbringing influences have programmed my sense of self-worth to be contingent on my output of usefulness. different shape but same shit. the session goes way overtime because of how long this repressed belief has gone unchecked, and so it takes longer to shift the heaviness in my body to something a little more tolerable. 

not joking that i think i worked harder in my childhood than i ever have any other time in my life else, 5am starts on the weekdays 7pm finish, study til 9 or 10 or 11 then hit the sack for another day. saturday was a back-to-back fiasco of extra-curriculars, leaving each activity early to make it on time for the next. 8am start 7pm finish. i'm not going to pretend this work didn't happen without the work of my parents, as i mentioned that dog in me is from the dog in them. anyway the session leaves a mark on me and i feel like i'm going to collapse from fatigue for days after. there's something about the excavation of a repressed belief that has never seen the light of day, that shakes you up with an impressionable force. it was kind of painful to reckon with but i knew it had to come out. it's ok i'm still ok everything will be ok!! when something like this is activated my brain churns away again, in a way that's positive and practical and kind of helpful, i never resisted this part of me i just found it inconvenient some of the time. hmmm.

anyways what i'm trying to get at is that i have been sleeping for 10 hours a day sometimes!! the body clock has completely reset and given up on my 5am starts and i am mourning. i crashed before 9.30pm last night and was hopeful i could wake at 6.30am at the very least, but here we are 8am. it's beautiful that i experience this i won't lie i'm not upset that there are parts of me that are starting to soften, let their guards down. it's all part of the process i think. it's kinda gloomy out there but i'm about to head to warrnambool for a month, if anyone wants to meet me on the train and hang out for a night or two just flick me a message.

***

tags: #somatics